Convincing someone to change their mind is really the process of convincing them to change their tribe. If they abandon their beliefs, they run the risk of losing societies. You can’t expect someone to change their mind if you take away their community too. You have to give them somewhere to go. Nobody wants their worldview torn apart if loneliness is the outcome.The way to change people minds to become their friends, to integrate them into your tribe, to bring them into your circle..Now, they can change their beliefs without the risk of being abandoned.

Facts Don't Change Our Minds. Friendship Does

When we are in the moment, we can easily forget that the goal is to connect with the other side, collaborate with them, befriend them, and integrate them into our tribe. We are so caught up in winning that we forget about connecting. It's easy to spend your energy labeling people rather than working with them.

Be Kind First, Be Right Later

False beliefs can be useful in a social sense even if they are not useful in a factual sense. We might call this approach “facutually false but socially accurate.” When we have to choose between the two, people often select friends and family over facts.

 Belief Over Fact

Silence is death for any idea. An idea that is never spoken or written down dies with the person who conceived it. Ideas can only be remembered when they are repeated.They can only be believed when they are repeated.People also repeat bad ideas when they complain about them. Before you can criticize an idea, you have to reference that idea. You end up repeating the ideas you’re hoping people will forget—but, of course, people can’t forget them because you keep talking about them. The more you repeat a bad idea, the more likely people are to believe it.

Why False Ideas Persist

If the goal is to actually change minds, then criticizing the other side isn't the best approach.Most people argue to win. People often act like soldiers rather than scouts. Soldiers are on the intellectual attack looking to defeat the people who differ from them. Victory is the operative emotion. Scouts, meanwhile, are like intellectual explorers, slowly trying to map the terrain with others. Curiosity is the driving force.If you want people to adopt your beliefs, you need to act more like a scout and less like a soldier.

The Intellectual Soldier

People are embraced or condemned according to their beliefs, so one function of the mind may be to hold beliefs that bring the belief-holder the greatest number of allies, protectors, or disciples, rather than beliefs that are most likely to be true.

When it comes to changing people's minds, it is very difficult to jump from one side to another. You can't jump down the spectrum. You have to slide down it. The best place to ponder a threatening idea is in a non-threatening environment. In conversation, people have to carefully consider their status and appearance.They want to save face and avoid looking stupid. When confronted with an uncomfortable set of facts, the tendency is often to double down on their current position rather than publicly admit to being wrong.

The Spectrum Of Beliefs

Always remember that to argue, and win, is to break down the reality of the person you are arguing against. It is painful to lose your reality, so be kind, even if you are right.

Humans are herd animals. We want to fit in, to bond with others, and to earn the respect and approval of our peers. Such inclinations are essential to our survival. For most of our evolutionary history, our ancestors lived in tribes. Becoming separated from the tribe—or worse, being cast out—was a death sentence.

We don't always believe things because they are correct. Sometimes we believe things because they make us look good to the people we care about.

The Logic Of False Beliefs 

Why don't facts change our minds? This article explains the logic of false beliefs and proposes a better system for constructive conversation.

STIVEN PINKER

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