9. "There is no physical evidence to say that today is Wednesday, we all just have to trust that someone has kept count since the first one ever."10. "At the age of 60, Snoop Dogg will be 420 in dog years."11. "Dragons would think it's cool that we create water in our mouths."12. "The first person who inhaled helium must have been so relieved when the effects wore off."

33. "Corrupt cops are just undercover criminals."34. "The brain not only named itself, but it also recognized that it named itself and was surprised when it realized that."35. "If you drive a new car, you are rich. If you drive an old car, you are poor. But if you drive a super old car, you are super rich."36. "There is probably a tree somewhere out there now that is growing the wood for your coffin."

5. "I have seen more of the surface of the Moon with my own eyes than I have of Earth."6. "Security at every level of an airport is absolutely ridiculous. Until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s just, like, take whatever bag you want."7. "At special occasions, girls with curly hair straighten it and girls with straight hair curl it."8. "Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that's entirely end credits."

17. "The movie industry considers you to be an adult when you're 17 to see an R-rated movie, but they conveniently lower that age to 13 when they are deciding who pays adult ticket prices."18. "Imagine how rich you would've had to be 200 years ago to have music playing in the background while you cook dinner."19. "College students are simultaneously stereotyped for not getting enough sleep and for sleeping all the time."20. " Bob's Burgers would also be an appropriate title for SpongeBob SquarePants ."

37. "Your eraser dies slowly because of your mistakes."38. "If you see someone wearing a $20,000 watch, it's hard to know if they're really good with money or really bad with money."39. "If your identical twin got plastic surgery, it would be hard not to feel a little insulted."40. "When you're sick, the advice you get is to literally do drugs and stay out of school."

41. "We use tables to keep food off the floor, tablecloths to keep food off the table, placemats to keep food off the tablecloth, and plates to keep food off the placemats."42. "It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly."43. "An origami flower is fake vegetation made from real vegetation."44. "Technically, almost every mirror you buy at a store is in used condition."

13. "Pets are the one-percenters of animals."14. "When medication says 'do not operate heavy machinery,' they're probably mainly referring to cars, but my mind always goes to a forklift."15. "If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog."16. "If you drew a dick on a vampire's face while they were sleeping, they'd never find out about it."

1. "The only part of your reflection you can lick is your tongue."2. "The best part of a cucumber tastes like the worst part of a watermelon."3. "Drinking water with a minty mouth is the cold version of spicy."4. "It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it's fixed and finally cool, you leave."

25. "Water is a beverage whose flavor is its temperature."26. "'Based on a true story' movies are all part of the same series."27. "An underrated perk of being an adult is you no longer outgrow your clothes."28. "Making a typo in an online argument is the equivalent of voice cracking in a verbal argument."

21. "When we're young, we sneak out of our houses to go to parties. When we're old, we sneak out of parties to go home."22. "You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner."23. "A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you."24. "It’s weird to think that nighttime is the natural state of the universe, and that daytime is only caused by a nearby, radiating ball of flame."

53. "It's always easy to fall asleep on a couch unless you're actually trying to fall asleep on a couch."54. "Your belly button is just your old mouth."

45. "A successful marriage ends with watching the other person die."46. "The person who invented audio recording probably thought it didn't work right when their voice sounded different in the recording."47. "If you're 25 years old, you've already been around for more than 10% of American history."48. "Most orchestras are just 1800s cover bands."

29. "All the curves and ups and down of an ear would make for a great skatepark."30. "Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself."31. "Accidentally liking someone's post while snooping through their profile is the digital equivalent of stepping on a twig while sneaking through the forest."32. "I hate to spend $6.50 on six pieces of raw chicken, but don't hesitate to spend $5 on one chicken sandwich."

49. "Cars make such good weapons that you have to learn how not to kill people with them."50. "Whenever you buy and eat half a chicken, you are secretly sharing a meal with a stranger."51. "It's crazy that something like a Walmart gift card is printed on plastic, but my social security card is printed on the flimsiest piece of paper I've ever handled."52. "The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf."

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