A Conformist type of boundary setter believes that their boundaries need to be communicated perfectly and effectively in order to be understood - but this is incorrect. Boundaries can be imperfectly communicated and reinforced where necessary.

Conformist And Boundaries 

You don’t own their feelings. When loved ones want the best for us, it can result in their projections of fear. Be mindful of sharing your hopes and dreams with people who lead from a place of fear, otherwise any self-doubt you experience will be intensified and you risk being thrown from your path”

“We can say what we need to say. We can gently but assertively speak our mind. We do not need to be judgemental, tactless, blaming or cruel when we speak our truths”

The byproduct of someone not respecting or acknowledging your boundaries is the emergence of anger and resentment.

Navigating Boundaries

By communicating your boundaries imperfectly, you give others the space to make mistakes and adjust.

By communicating your boundaries imperfectly:

When enforcing your boundaries, you are not responsible for how other people react to your boundaries.

Reacting To Boundaries 

Setting a boundary is not the same as making a threat Boundary: “I can’t stay in the marriage or live with you when your addiction is not managed. If you don’t stop abusing alcohol, I will love out and start divorce proceedings” Threat: “If you divorce me, I will make sure you never see the kids again”

Boundary V Threat 

The popular metaphor uses a person’s desire for a cup of tea as an example of consent

Consent 

<ol><li>If you …….</li><li>I will ……..</li><li>and if it continues, I will …….</li></ol>

Setting A Boundary

You can adjust the strength of your boundaries as permeable, flexible, fixed or rigid.

Different Boundary Strengths 

Boundaries draw a circle around you so that you feel safe to be yourself

In life, people fall in different circles of intimacy and influence, depending on how close we are to them. These circles range from the closest inner circle to the outer circle. The closer we feel to someone, the closer they are to our inner circle. 
As we trust and respect someone, they move towards our inner circle of intimacy. The people in this inner circle are our closest friends and family, while those in the outer circle are acquaintances or strangers. It's essential to understand the different levels of intimacy and influence to build and maintain strong relationships.

Circles Of Intimacy And Influence

By acknowledging the implicit, it becomes explicit, holding the power to change the scripts you tell yourself.

By acknowledging the implicit:

We do not have control over what thoughts come into our mind or what feelings we experience. We can only give space and accept these thoughts and feelings as they are.

If someone reacts negatively to the boundaries you have enforced, it does not mean your boundary was wrong.

Enforcing Boundaries

When enforcing your boundaries you are not required to justify yourself or over explain and have the right to say no. You also cannot expect automatic compliance from other people, and requires maintenance.

It is your responsible to constantly communicate, enforce and maintain your boundaries.

Communicate, Enforce, Maintain 

Setting Boundaries is not just about saying 'no'. It is about pursuing the things that set our soul on fire, loving deeply without losing ourselves, and better resisting the demands and expectations of others. Dr Rebecca Ray, Australian clinical psychologist and author, shows how boundaries are the key to many of the emotional and practical difficulties we encounter in daily life. Many of us, raised to be people-pleasers, find ourselves giving in to draining colleagues, friends, partners and relatives. In Setting Boundaries, Dr Ray shares science-based advice and tools to help you: - identify your boundaries and when they have been crossed - recognise the patterns and habits that have failed to support you to feel empowered - engage in difficult conversations from a place of strength and self-kindness - set clear, intentional boundaries and become your most loving, fulfilled and authentic self. Accessible, inspiring and deeply practical, Setting Boundaries ignites us to rethink our relationships, reclaim our lives and protect our mental health and wellbeing. Praise for Setting Boundaries 'Within the first two pages I found myself exclaiming, She's so brilliant. That's exactly how it is! - Dr Libby Weaver 'Yet another valuable contribution from Dr Rebecca Ray and one I can genuinely and sincerely recommend.' - Dr Tim Sharp 'I will return to this book over and over again when I'm feeling lost and need a comforting voice of support.' - Alison Daddo 'This book has changed my life so much. I think it's Beck's style of writing and connection to her audience. It's real, relatable and doable! I have radically seen shifts in my life from reading Beck's words.' - Tanya Hennessy, Sexy

Communicate, Enforce, Maintain

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8. Setting healthy boundaries