Gen Z became the first generation in history to go through puberty with a portal in their pockets.They spent far less time playing with, talking to, touching, or even making eye contact with their friends and families, thereby reducing their participation in embodied social behaviors that are essential for successful human development.

1. Overprotecting children in the real world (where they need to learn from vast amounts of direct experience)2. Underprotecting them online (where they are particularly vulnerable during puberty)

The two big mistakes we’ve made:

Healthy brain development depends on getting the right experiences at the right age and in the right order.Humans have several “sensitive periods,” which are defined as periods in which it is very easy to learn something or acquire a skill, and outside of which it is more difficult.

Sensitive periods:

Discover mode turns on when you detect opportunities. Defend mode turns on when threats are detected.People who go through life in discover mode are happier, more sociable, and more eager for new experiences. (except when directly threatened)Conversely, those who are chronically in defend mode are more defensive and anxious, and will learn less and grow less.

Discover mode vs Defend mode:

The attachment system evolved to help young mammals learn the skills they’ll need to reach adulthood while retreating to their “secure base” when they feel threatened.Every child needs at least one adult who serves as a “secure base.”A securely attached child usually settles within a few seconds or minutes, shifts back to discover mode, and heads out for more learning.

The attachment system:

1. Safetyism:The worship of “safety” is called safetyism.It prevents children from getting the quantity and variety of real-world experiences and challenges that they need.2. SmartphonesOnce they enter a child’s life, they push out or reduce all other forms of non-phone-based experience.

Experience blockers:

<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Social deprivation</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Sleep deprivation</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Attention fragmentation</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Addiction</li></ol>When we put these four foundational harms together, they explain why mental health got so much worse so suddenly as soon as childhood became phone-based.

The 4 foundational harms:

Each of us, acting alone, perceives that it’s too difficult or costly to do the right thing. But if we can act together, the costs go way down.Collective action problems require collective responses from governments, companies, schools and parents.

Collective action:

<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Assert a duty of care: To have some moral and legal responsibility for how to treat minors.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Raise the age of internet adulthood to 16</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Develop better age verification features</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Encourage phone-free schools (with phone lockers or lockable pouches in schools)</li></ol>

What Govt and tech companies can do:

<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Stop punishing parents for giving children real-world freedom</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Design and zone public space with children in mind</li><li class="ql-align-justify">More vocational education, apprenticeships, and youth development programs</li></ol>

What Govt can do to incentivize more real-world experience:

9 Powerful Lessons from "The Anxious Generation" by Jonathan Haidt

THE INSTANT #1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A must-read for all parents: the generation-defining investigation into the collapse of youth mental health in the era of smartphones, social media, and big tech—and a plan for a healthier, freer childhood. “Erudite, engaging, combative, crusading.” —New York Times Book Review (Editors’ Choice) “Words that chill the parental heart… thanks to Mr. Haidt, we can glimpse the true horror of what happened not only in the U.S. but also elsewhere in the English-speaking world… lucid, memorable… galvanizing.” —Wall Street Journal “[An] important new book... The shift in kids’ energy and attention from the physical world to the virtual one, Haidt shows, has been catastrophic, especially for girls.” —Michelle Goldberg, The New York Times After more than a decade of stability or improvement, the mental health of adolescents plunged in the early 2010s. Rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide rose sharply, more than doubling on many measures. Why? In The Anxious Generation, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt lays out the facts about the epidemic of teen mental illness that hit many countries at the same time. He then investigates the nature of childhood, including why children need play and independent exploration to mature into competent, thriving adults. Haidt shows how the “play-based childhood” began to decline in the 1980s, and how it was finally wiped out by the arrival of the “phone-based childhood” in the early 2010s. He presents more than a dozen mechanisms by which this “great rewiring of childhood” has interfered with children’s social and neurological development, covering everything from sleep deprivation to attention fragmentation, addiction, loneliness, social contagion, social comparison, and perfectionism. He explains why social media damages girls more than boys and why boys have been withdrawing from the real world into the virtual world, with disastrous consequences for themselves, their families, and their societies. Most important, Haidt issues a clear call to action. He diagnoses the “collective action problems” that trap us, and then proposes four simple rules that might set us free. He describes steps that parents, teachers, schools, tech companies, and governments can take to end the epidemic of mental illness and restore a more humane childhood. Haidt has spent his career speaking truth backed by data in the most difficult landscapes—communities polarized by politics and religion, campuses battling culture wars, and now the public health emergency faced by Gen Z. We cannot afford to ignore his findings about protecting our children—and ourselves—from the psychological damage of a phone-based life.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

mentalhealth

Mental Health

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

books

Books

Jonathan Haidt

The Anxious Generation

Table of ContentsThe Euphoric StageTake the Love QuizThe Early Attachment StageThe Crisis StageThe Deep Attachment Stage

From Euphoria to Deep Attachment

Falling in love is easy, but making a relationship work is challenging.Just like anything else worth having in life, relationships require effort. Some couples manage to overcome difficulties, while others simply grow apart.

Relationships Take Effort

When it comes to coupling, there is no instruction manual. Remember that old playground mantra: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes so and so and a baby carriage?

There's No Checklist

Love is not a one-size-fits-all journey.While some marry and have kids, others take different paths. Each relationship is unique, just like each person.The stages of love remain the same, regardless of the path taken. The key to a happy relationship? Navigating these stages together.

The Many Paths of Love

Neuroscientists and 'experts in love' have outlined 4 stages of a relationship. These stages go from falling in love to living happily ever after (or at least, for a while). Here are the stages they have found, along with ways to successfully navigate each one:

Love Stages

You can break these stages down based on when they typically occur:Stage 1: The euphoric stage - 6 months to 24 months (2 years)Stage 2: The early attachment stage - 12 months (1 year) to 60 months (5 years)Stage 3: The crisis stage - 60 months (5 years) to 84 months (7 years)Stage 4: The deep attachment stage - 84 months (7 years) and beyond

The 4 Stages Of Love

The euphoric stage is sometimes known as the 'honeymoon phase.' What makes this stage so magical?For the past several decades, Helen Fisher, PhD, neuroscientist and Senior Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and Lucy Brown, PhD, Clinical Professor in Neurology at Einstein College of Medicine in New York, have been studying the brain activity of people in love, from the early to the later stages.

Stage 1

In the early part of a relationship—the falling in love stage—the other person is the center of your life. You forgive everything in these early stages. The other person has faults, and you see them, but it doesn’t matter. Maybe they leave their dirty dishes in the sink, but they make you laugh at least daily, so it’s okay. Good things outweigh the negative here."

Suspending negative judgement is vital for a happy relationship. This means decreasing activity in the prefrontal cortex, which judges people negatively. Couples who can maintain this for longer have higher chances of success.In a follow-up study, researchers found that those who stayed together for 3 or more years showed significant decrease in activity in this brain region. This highlights the importance of suspending negative judgement for a lasting relationship.

Key to Relationship Success

Research shows that the passionate stage in relationships can last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. However, a small percentage of couples (15% to 30%) claim to still feel the same excitement even after 10 or 15 years.This means that the "honeymoon phase" has an expiration date, but some couples can keep the spark alive for much longer. So, don't worry if the intense feelings eventually fade – it's completely normal.

How Long Will It Last?

Brown explains, "We don't know why this is. I don't necessarily think it's because they have found their soulmates. I think it's the person. Some people have an easier time rekindling the earlier stages. Not to say the rest of us can't."For the general population, the intoxication of new love will eventually morph into the next stage: early attachment.Remember, love is a journey, not a destination.

A Journey To Early Attachment - Stage 2

In the previous stage of falling in love, unconscious factors like attraction and the pleasure-reward system take over. Brain scans of couples in this stage showed high levels of dopamine, the chemical that triggers intense pleasure.Now, the more evolved parts of the brain, like the ventral pallidum and attachment hormones, take the lead. These hormones, such as oxytocin, are known as "the love hormone" and are responsible for attachment and bonding.

The Early Attachment Stage

You know when you’ve reached the early attachment stage when, “You can sleep! You’re not thinking about [your partner] 24 hours a day. It’s easier to do other things in your life.”

Couples that had been married for at least one year described love differently. “It’s richer, deeper, it’s knowing them better," says Brown. “Memories have been integrated—both positive and negative—you’ve gone through some difficulties, and you’ve developed a strong attachment.”

In relationships, the third stage is crucial - it's known as the "seven-year or five-year itch."<ul><li>According to Brown, every relationship has a drift apart phase.</li><li>This can either lead to coming back together or drifting apart.</li><li>A crisis can be the key to overcoming this phase and talking it out together.</li></ul>For some couples, having children can either solidify their bond or cause stress that breaks the relationship apart. If the crisis stage is successfully overcome, the next stage is deep attachment.

The 3rd Stage of Relationships: Make or Break Point

In a relationship, the deep attachment stage is the calm after the storm. It's when a couple knows each other well and has been through the challenges. They have confidence in their ability to handle crises and have a plan for future ones. This stage is marked by security and stability.After many years together, couples can experience a lasting, secure connection. If you're fortunate, this stage can last a lifetime.

The Deep Attachment Stage 4

How can we keep love going? According to researchers, one of the best ways is through novelty. Studies show that doing new, exciting, and challenging activities together can benefit relationships.Dr. Art Aron and his wife, Dr. Elaine Aron, developed the "Self Expansion Model" to explain the intense feelings in the early stages of love. It reveals why the first few months of a new relationship can feel so exhilarating.

Keeping It Going

When you enter into a relationship, you literally increase who you are. You take on and share in your partner’s perspective on the world in addition to your own, their social status, and their resources. The benefits of new and challenging experiences together are enormous. And they last.

From the honeymoon phase to long-lasting commitment, nearly every couple goes through these stages of love. If you can successfully make it through turbulent times together, your bond will be strengthened and your commitment will be secure and steadfast.

Final Thoughts

Finding lasting love requires suspension of judgment, rekindling the early stages, and maintaining novelty.Don't judge your partner too quickly, keep the passion and excitement alive, and always look for new ways to show your love. These could be the keys to unlocking long-term happiness in your relationship.

Cracking the Code of Lasting Love

Top neuroscientists in the field of love explain what happens to our brains as we move through the stages of romantic relationships.

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

mindfulness

Mindfulness

motivationandinspiration

Motivation & Inspiration

Navigating the 4 Stages of a Relationship

It’s strange how no one really teaches you how to handle life’s toughest moments. Not parents, not schools, and certainly not mainstream media. Instead, we’re fed the worst coping mechanisms — drown your heartbreak in alcohol, chase meaningless hookups for emotional connection, or seek revenge when you’re bullied. And without realizing it, many people embrace these self-destructive patterns.But I found better ways to cope — ones that actually heal rather than harm. I hope they help you too.

No One Talks About These Healthy Coping Mechanisms—But They Work

Write a love letter to your future partner or remind yourself of the love you already have in your life. love isn’t just romantic — it exists in friendships, family, and even in the small moments you cherish alone.

IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’LL BE SINGLE FOREVER…

Don’t chase other people’s validation. Instead, ask yourself why you feel disconnected from yourself. Spend time doing things that make you feel whole — read, paint, take a long walk, or simply sit with your thoughts. Sometimes, the best company is your own.

IF YOU FEEL LONELY…

Going through a breakup is tough because it’s not just the loss of a person—it’s the loss of dreams, routines, and a version of yourself that existed in that relationship.Suppressing emotions only makes them resurface more intensely. Allow yourself to feel sadness and anger, but don’t let them define you. Staying in touch makes it harder to heal—even checking their social media slows the process. Give yourself space—block, mute, or unfollow if needed.

IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH A BREAKUP…

Congratulations, you’ve just been chosen as their humble servant. Prepare to be judged for your life choices while they knock things off your table at 3 a.m. But hey, at least you have a fluffy overlord now.

IF YOU FIND A CAT…

Understand that jealousy often points to something you want but feel is out of reach. Instead of letting it consume you, use it as inspiration. Ask yourself: what is this feeling trying to teach me? Then, work toward your goals at your own pace.

IF YOU FEEL JEALOUS…

Know that grief is love that didn’t get to be expressed. Let yourself feel it — there’s no rush. Take all the time you need. You’ve suffered a great loss, and you are allowed to cry. Don’t let anyone tell you to “get over it” just because time has passed. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. But in your pain, don’t turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol or drugs. Feel every emotion, but don’t stop taking care of yourself. Cook, practice self-care, meditate — whatever keeps you grounded. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means learning to carry your love and your loss together.

IF YOU’RE FACING GRIEF…

Don’t numb that feeling with quick distractions like porn. Instead, channel that energy into something real — call a friend, spend time with loved ones, or engage in something that makes you feel valued. Physical closeness is only one part of intimacy. Connection is what truly matters.Learn to transmute that energy into something meaningful. I use that energy to work out or pour it into my creative endeavors.

IF YOU’RE ACHING FOR PHYSICAL INTIMACY…

Take a moment alone to breathe and reflect. Once the anger fades, try to see their perspective. Then, communicate with honesty and kindness.

IF YOU’VE FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARTNER…

Don’t fight them. Don’t try to justify everything. Instead, show them respect and ask for the same in return. Tell them: “This is what I’m going to do, whether you believe in it or not, because this is what I truly believe in. Just support my decisions, and if things don’t go the way you anticipated, just be there with me — like a tree, ready to give shade. I will figure it out one way or another. And at least this way, I will never blame you for anything because I would have lived life on my own terms.”

IF YOUR PARENTS DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU…

YOU’RE ALLOWED TO “DEFY” YOUR PARENTS ON THREE THINGS; Your career, who you marry, and how you choose to live your life.These are deeply personal decisions that only you will have to live with every single day. I’m being very careful with my words here — I said defy, not disregard. There’s a difference.

I know it stings. But please don’t take it as proof that you’re not enough. Rejection doesn’t mean something is wrong with you — it just means they weren’t the right person for you. Repeat with me “rejection is protection”. Trust me you will find the right person soon enough.

IF YOUR CRUSH REJECTED YOU…

Stand up for yourself, but don’t let anger push you into regretful actions. Seek help if needed — there’s no shame in asking for support. Many people have been where you are, and you are not alone. I was once bullied too, and I turned to my elder siblings for help. The problem disappeared because I refused to accept abuse for even a second. Know your worth. Don’t tolerate bullying, not even for a day.

IF YOU’RE BEING BULLIED…

It’s okay. Not all friendships are meant to last forever — some people are just chapters in your story, not the whole book. But if you still miss them, reach out. A simple “hey, remember when…” can sometimes bring back what was lost. And if not, cherish the memories and make space for new connections.

IF YOU DRIFTED APART FROM SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS…

Have a heart-to-heart conversation. If expressing yourself feels difficult, write it down and give it to them. Sometimes, words flow more easily on paper. And if they point out something you did wrong, don’t let pride get in the way — apologize. A simple “I’m sorry” can go a long way in healing your bond.

IF YOU HAVE FOUGHT WITH YOUR SIBLINGS…

Ask yourself: is this coming from someone who truly wants me to grow? If yes, listen. If not, let it go. Most of the time, people project their opinions — they rarely speak facts.

IF YOU’RE FACING CRITICISM…

Love yourself first. Cook yourself a good meal, exercise, or do something that makes you proud. Love starts from within.

IF YOU FEEL LIKE NOBODY LOVES YOU…

Call your mom. Ask for your favorite recipe and cook it while on a video call with her. Sometimes, a simple meal can bring home closer.

IF YOU’RE MISSING HOME…

Visit the ocean, watch the stars, or take a walk in nature. The world is vast, and your worries are only a small part of it. Perspective can be powerful.

IF YOUR PROBLEMS FEEL TOO BIG…

Don’t look at the entire mountain. Just focus on the next step. One small step at a time is still progress.

IF YOU FEEL OVERWHELMED…

Name them out loud: I feel anxious, and that’s okay. This simple act reduces their power over you.

IF YOU FEEL OVERWHELMED BY EMOTIONS…

Write your worries down in a journal. Seeing them on paper makes them easier to manage.

IF YOU FEEL STRESSED…

Don’t pace around. Instead, practice deep breathing or meditation. Stillness is more powerful than you think.

IF YOU FEEL ANXIOUS…

Go for a run, stretch, or move your body. Physical activity helps release tension in ways words cannot.

IF YOU FEEL FRUSTRATED…

Write down whatever is on your mind. The next morning, those thoughts that felt so heavy in the darkness will seem lighter in the daylight.

IF YOU CAN’T SLEEP…

Start small. Motivation comes from action, not the other way around. Make your bed. Drink water. Stretch. One small step will lead to another.

IF YOU FEEL UNMOTIVATED…

Stop exhausting yourself trying to explain. Write your thoughts down instead. Sometimes, understanding isn’t needed — just self-acceptance.

IF YOU FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD…

Remember: life isn’t a race. Some people find their path early; others take longer. Your timing isn’t wrong — it’s just yours.

IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE BEHIND IN LIFE…

Don’t numb the pain with alcohol or unhealthy habits. Instead, turn to creativity, music, or something that soothes your soul like food.

IF YOU’VE HAD THE WORST DAY…

You are not alone. You are loved. And this moment is just one small piece of a much bigger story. Trust me we have all been there.

ABOVE ALL, WHATEVER YOU’RE GOING THROUGH, PLEASE REMEMBER…

If you’re going through something difficult, I hope you find a healthier way to cope. And if you have some better coping mechanism of your own, don't forget to comment. I would love to read those because I am always finding better way of living.

All of these healthy coping mechanisms I found on my own and they helped me significantly. I hope they do the same for you!

The Guide to Surviving Life’s Hardest Moments

Many believe their past determines their future, but Adlerian psychology says the opposite:<ul><li>Your past does not control your present unless you allow it.</li><li>You decide the meaning you give to your experiences.</li><li>Today’s actions shape your life, not yesterday’s events.</li></ul>💡 Your past can inform you, but it doesn’t define you.

Your Life is Not Defined by Your Past 🛤️

Our struggles stem from relationships and comparison:<ul><li>Stop comparing yourself—happiness is personal, not competitive.</li><li>Recognize that many anxieties come from seeking approval.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Accept responsibility for your relationships, and you’ll find clarity.</li></ul>💡 Inner peace comes from authenticity, not approval.

All Problems are Interpersonal 👥

Seeking approval leads to anxiety. True freedom lies in being okay with being disliked:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Live according to your values, even if others disapprove.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">The desire to be liked is normal, but the need for approval is limiting.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Authenticity attracts meaningful relationships, even if fewer.</li></ul>💡 You don’t need everyone’s approval—just your own.

Freedom Comes from Courage, Not Approval 🦅

Understand what is your responsibility and what isn’t:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">"Task separation": Recognize what you can control and what you can’t.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Don’t take responsibility for others’ reactions—focus on your actions.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Freedom comes when you stop trying to control others' opinions.</li></ul>💡 Knowing your tasks frees you from unnecessary burdens.

Separate Tasks Clearly ⚖️

The Courage to Be Disliked offers powerful insights into building courage, authenticity, and lasting happiness. <a href="https://www.kqzyfj.com/click-101290670-11552245?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.booksamillion.com%2Fp%2FCourage-Be-Disliked%2FIchiro-Kishimi%2FQ276001367">Get your copy here</a> and start your journey to genuine freedom today!

Are You Ready to Live Freely? 🚀

We complicate life by overthinking and self-judgment:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Focus on the simplicity of actions, not complex over-analysis.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Happiness comes from clear purpose and simple living.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Reduce unnecessary complexity—peace lies in simplicity.</li></ul>💡 Life isn’t complicated—we choose to complicate it.

Life is Simple, We Make It Complicated 🌿

Avoid vertical (hierarchical) relationships that foster competition and conflict:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Build relationships based on mutual respect and equality.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Stop seeking dominance or inferiority—we’re all equals.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Healthy relationships aren’t competitive—they’re collaborative.</li></ul>💡 Real relationships lift you up—they never push you down.

Horizontal Relationships Foster Real Happiness 🤝

True fulfillment comes not from praise but from contributing meaningfully:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Happiness arises when you feel useful and connected.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Contribute without expecting praise or rewards.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Meaning is found in giving, not taking.</li></ul>💡 Giving freely creates authentic happiness.

Happiness Lies in Contribution ❤️

You don’t need to be perfect—just authentically you:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Accept imperfections—yours and others.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Change because you want to grow, not because you feel inadequate.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Self-acceptance is the foundation of genuine growth.</li></ul>💡 Growth comes from acceptance, not self-criticism.

Accept Yourself Unconditionally

Avoid seeing yourself as a victim—this limits your potential:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Take full responsibility for your life.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Victimhood stops growth; ownership unlocks potential.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Empower yourself by shifting your mindset to action and responsibility.</li></ul>💡 Victims wait—heroes act.

Reject Victimhood—Choose Empowerment 🌟

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Explore More Ideas on Decision-Making, Mental Clarity, and High-Performance Thinking 🤝

By applying the principles from The Courage to Be Disliked, you’ll:Free yourself from past traumas and limiting beliefs.Stop seeking constant approval and embrace authenticity.Build healthier relationships through mutual respect and task separation.Live a simpler, more meaningful life centered on contribution and self-acceptance.Replace victimhood with empowerment and proactive living.💡 Live your truth boldly—the freedom to be yourself changes everything.

Summary – Choose Freedom, Authenticity, and Happiness 🌟

Discover how to live authentically, find inner freedom, and break free from societal expectations through the transformative ideas of Adlerian psychology.

A single book can change your life. Already an enormous bestseller in Asia, with more than 3 million copies sold, The Courage to be Disliked demonstrates how to unlock the power within yourself to be the person you truly want to be. Using the theories of Alfred Adler, one of the three giants of 19th century psychology alongside Freud and Jung, it follows an illuminating conversation between a philosopher and a young man. The philosopher explains to his pupil how each of us is able to determine our own lives, free of the shackles of past experiences, doubts and the expectations of others. It's a way of thinking that's deeply liberating, allowing us to develop the courage to change, and to ignore the limitations that we and those around us can place on ourselves. The result is a book that is both highly accessible and profound in its importance. Millions have already read and benefited from its wisdom. Now that The Courage to be Disliked has been published for the first time in English, so can you

Ichiro KISHIMI Philosopher, Adlerian psychologist and translator of English and German languages. Born in 1956.M.A.in philosophy from Kyoto University. Director of the Japanese Society of Adlerian psychology. Former counselor at Maeda Clinic in Kyoto and has taught philosophy and ancient Greek at various institutions such as Kyoto University of Education and Nara Women's University. He presently teaches educational psychology and clinical psychology at Meiji School of Oriental Medicine in Suita, Osaka. Kishimi now has his own private counseling office in Kameoka, Kyoto, and devotes his time to giving lectures on Adlerian Psychology and child education.

Ichiro Kishimi

Fumitake Koga is an accomplished writer whose work has resonated with readers around the world. Fumitake Koga has published several books that explore a range of topics, from fiction to nonfiction, and has received critical acclaim for the ability to weave compelling narratives. Fumitake Koga's writing style is known for its depth and authenticity, and has earned quite a loyal following of readers.

Fumitake Koga

The Courage to Be Disliked

Some people consistently fail to synchronize with others, even when they’re speaking to close friends.Others, called "supercommunicators" — seem to synchronize effortlessly with just about anyone.

Supercommunicators:

When we absorb what someone is saying, and they comprehend what we say, it’s because our brains have, to some degree, aligned.At that moment, our bodies — our pulses, facial expressions, the emotions we experience, the prickling sensation on our necks and arms — often start to synchronize as well.

The Matching Principle

These three conversations — which correspond to practical decision-making conversations, emotional conversations, and conversations about identity — are best captured by three questions:1. What’s This Really About?2. How Do We Feel?3. Who Are We?

Three kinds of conversation that dominate most discussions

Unless we know what kind of discussion we’re hoping for — and what type of discussion our companions want — we’re at a disadvantage.In a learning conversation, our goal is to understand what’s going on inside others’ heads, and to share what’s happening within our own.

What’s This Really About? has two goals:The first is to determine what topics we want to discuss — what everyone needs from this dialogue.The second is to figure out how this discussion will unfold — what unspoken rules and norms we have agreed upon, and how we will make decisions together.

1. THE "WHAT’S THIS REALLY ABOUT?" CONVERSATION

Within every conversation there is a quiet negotiation, where the prize is not winning, but rather determining what everyone wants, so that something meaningful can occur.The best negotiators don’t battle over who should get the biggest slice of pie.Rather, they focus on making the pie itself larger, finding win-win solutions where everyone walks away happier than before.Negotiation isn’t a battle. It’s an act of creativity.

Quiet Negotiation

A What’s This Really About? conversation often occurs at the start of a discussion, and so we’re well served to do a bit of prep work before a dialogue begins.Simply preparing a list, researchers found, made conversations go better.

Preparing for a conversation

When we discuss our feelings, something magical happens: Other people can’t help but listen to us.When we talk about our feelings, we’re describing not just what has happened to us, but why we made certain choices and how we make sense of the world.Every discussion is shaped by our emotions, and when we bring those feelings to the surface — when we share them and ask others to share with us — we begin to see how we might align.

2. THE "HOW DO WE FEEL?" CONVERSATION

If we acknowledge someone else’s vulnerability, and become vulnerable in return, we build trust, understanding, and connection.Asking deep questions about feelings, values, beliefs, and experiences creates vulnerability.That vulnerability triggers "emotional contagion."And that, in turn, helps us connect.

Emotional Contagion

If you want to have a successful conversation with someone, ask someone how they feel about something, and then follow up with questions that reveal how you feel.Asking deep questions is easier than most people realize, and more rewarding than we expect.

Asking Deep Questions

People with emotional intelligence knew how to build relationships and empathize with colleagues, as well as regulate their own emotionality and the emotions of those around them.

Noticing mood and energy allows us to immediately determine whether we should flee or stay, if they’re a potential friend or foe.Mood and energy are nonlinguistic tools for creating emotional connection.When we match someone’s mood and energy, we are showing them that we want to align.

Mood and Energy

This is the real reason why so many conflicts persist:Not because of a lack of solutions or because people are unwilling to compromise, but because combatants don’t understand why they are fighting in the first place.They haven’t discussed the deeper topics — the emotional issues — that are inflaming the dispute.

Conflicts

Happy couples, rather than trying to control the other person, tended to focus on controlling themselves, their environment, and the conflict itself.If we focus on controlling ourselves, our environment, and the conflict itself, then a fight often morphs into a conversation, where the goal is understanding, rather than winning points or wounding our foes.“There are lots of conflicts that don’t have solutions, but when everyone feels in control, the conflict sometimes just fades away.”

Happy Couples during Conflicts

In a meaningful conversation, we bring not just ourselves to the discussion, but everything that brought us to this moment: Our histories and backgrounds, our families and friendships, the causes we believe in and the groups we love or deplore.We bring, in other words, our social identities.

3. THE "WHO ARE WE?" CONVERSATION

Social identities can change how we act, even if we don’t intend them to, even if we wish they didn’t.It’s crucial to remind ourselves that we all possess multiple identities:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">We are parents but also siblings;</li><li class="ql-align-justify">experts in some topics and novices in others;</li><li class="ql-align-justify">friends and coworkers and</li><li class="ql-align-justify">people who love dogs but hate to jog.</li></ul>

Our identities can help us find values we share or can push us into stereotypes.There was one behavior, in particular, that consistently made people uncomfortable and upset:If a speaker said something that lumped a listener into a group against her or his will, the discussion would likely go south.In psychology, this is known as "identity threat", and it is deeply corrosive to communication.

Identity Threat

Tough conversations frequently begin on uncertain footing.We can lessen those anxieties by addressing a few things right away.1. Establish guidelines.2. Draw out everyone’s goals.3. Acknowledge, and keep acknowledging, that discomfort is natural — and useful. Manage your Environment.

Making Hard Conversations Easier

All Valuable Lessons from the book "Supercommunicators" by Charles Duhigg

NEW YORK TIMES BESTESLLER • From the author of The Power of Habit, a fascinating exploration of what makes conversations work—and how we can all learn to be supercommunicators at work and in life “A winning combination of stories, studies, and guidance that might well transform the worst communicators you know into some of the best.”—Adam Grant, author of Think Again and Hidden Potential Come inside a jury room as one juror leads a starkly divided room to consensus. Join a young CIA officer as he recruits a reluctant foreign agent. And sit with an accomplished surgeon as he tries, and fails, to convince yet another cancer patient to opt for the less risky course of treatment. In Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg blends deep research and his trademark storytelling skills to show how we can all learn to identify and leverage the hidden layers that lurk beneath every conversation. Communication is a superpower and the best communicators understand that whenever we speak, we’re actually participating in one of three conversations: practical (What’s this really about?), emotional (How do we feel?), and social (Who are we?). If you don’t know what kind of conversation you’re having, you’re unlikely to connect.  Supercommunicators know the importance of recognizing—and then matching—each kind of conversation, and how to hear the complex emotions, subtle negotiations, and deeply held beliefs that color so much of what we say and how we listen. Our experiences, our values, our emotional lives—and how we see ourselves, and others—shape every discussion, from who will pick up the kids to how we want to be treated at work. In this book, you will learn why some people are able to make themselves heard, and to hear others, so clearly. With his storytelling that takes us from the writers’ room of The Big Bang Theory to the couches of leading marriage counselors, Duhigg shows readers how to recognize these three conversations—and teaches us the tips and skills we need to navigate them more successfully. In the end, he delivers a simple but powerful lesson: With the right tools, we can connect with anyone.

Supercommunicators

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