Imagine John, an honest employee whose colleague is a bigot and a harasser of women. From their first interaction, John didn’t like the way his coworker made inappropriate jokes. He recently called John ‘too soft’ after John declined his proposal to steal from their company to make some ‘extra money’. While he might never openly admit to hating anyone, John privately thinks to himself: This guy represents the worst in our society; I hope something bad happens to him and he goes away; I hate him.

The Pleasure of Hate

What does it mean to say that someone like John hates his coworker, rather than just disliking or feeling contempt for him? People claim to ‘hate’ all sorts of things in their daily lives: drama, traffic jams, math, broccoli, Mondays. But if they are asked about other people, especially specific individuals and groups, feelings of hate are usually not disclosed so easily. Hate is a heavy subject. When trying to understand prejudice, terrorism or genocide, people cannot help but think of hate as one of the primary causes.

Hate is a Heavy Subject

Currently, there is no consensus among scholars about hate’s nature. Hate has been described widely as an emotion, but also as an attitude or a sentiment. Some scholars think that hate is an extreme version of anger or dislike; some describe hate as a blend of emotions such as anger, contempt and disgust; and others regard hate as a distinct and unique feeling. Theories also diverge in their descriptions of hate’s antecedents, triggers, functions and behavioural outcomes. Nevertheless, people confidently talk about hate speech, hate crime, or anti-hate campaigns.

An Emotion, an Attitude, a Sentiment?

What we do know is that hate is intense and enduring, and it seems to be based on a view of its targets as essentially bad and threatening. For example, when the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis in the Rwanda genocide of 1994, the hate they experienced appears to have been based on the perception that the Tutsis were essentially evil and that they should be eliminated. The hate embodied by the Ku Klux Klan and other extremist groups often goes back decades or longer, transcending generations and sometimes lying dormant until finding a new trigger.

Intense and Enduring

We also know that people can hate close individuals such as family members, friends or romantic partners. Still, there is a lack of empirical research examining hate’s distinctive features, partly because studying hate is methodologically difficult and research ethics boards are not very happy about inducing feelings of hate in study participants. So I recently set out to investigate how the feeling of hate is different from dislike, anger, contempt and disgust, conducting a series of <a href="https://doi.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Femo0001056">studies</a> with Jan-Willem van Prooijen and Paul Van Lange at the Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam.

A Series of Studies

We asked participants in the US to anonymously describe their own experiences of feeling each of these negative emotions, either toward an individual or a group. They rated the emotional intensity and duration of each experience, how threatening they perceived the individual or group to be, and other dimensions of the experience. Under the condition of anonymity, most people openly described individuals and groups they hate – often with a cathartic level of detail – suggesting that experiencing hate is more frequent in people’s lives than we might imagine.

The Experience

Our key finding is that, across the different dimensions, hate seems most distinct from dislike and anger, somewhat less distinct from contempt, and least distinct from disgust. For instance, compared with dislike, anger or contempt (not disgust), participants rated their experiences of hate as more intense. And compared with dislike or anger toward specific individuals, they rated their experiences of hate as more enduring, perceived hated individuals as more threatening to society, and expressed a greater inclination to engage in behaviours such as confronting, harming or offending them.

Key Findings

People also perceived hated individuals as more threatening to them personally than individuals toward whom they felt other negative emotions. These findings suggest that hate is a distinct feeling, but also that it shares some features with the other emotions, especially with contempt and disgust. What explains these differences between hate and other negative emotions? The answer might lie partly in the reasons for which each emotion has evolved, and in the particular ways in which people see the targets of each emotion.

A Distinct Feeling

Negative emotions are thought to have evolved as goal-oriented mechanisms that help individuals to coordinate their physiological, cognitive and behavioural systems for dealing with different threats. Dislike is a broad negative affective state that guides people’s preferences. When people dislike someone, that does not mean they necessarily wish to harm that person. Rather, they simply prefer not to be near them.

Goal-Oriented Mechanisms

Although hate, too, is a negative affective state, it implies that one really wants the other person out of one’s life completely (as in the case of John, who wishes his coworker would disappear), and might be willing to take steps to make that happen.When we compare hate with anger, contempt and disgust, the differences are a bit more nuanced. People get angry when others misbehave, and the anger is aimed at changing the behaviour of the misbehaving person in the short-term.

Differences

For example, if somebody lights a cigarette in a non-smoking area, people around might get angry, and their overt expression of anger (via direct remarks or body language) could induce the smoker to put out the cigarette or leave. However, unlike anger, hate seems to be aimed not at the targets’ behaviours, per se, but at the targets themselves (ie, who they are or what they represent). Hate’s goal is therefore not to change the target’s behaviours but to get rid of the targets, based on the perception that they are essentially bad and unchangeable.

Hate's Goal

That is likely one reason why people tend to experience hate for significantly longer periods of time than anger, which often dissipates relatively quickly once the unwanted behaviours cease.Contempt and disgust are, like hate, focused on an individual’s or group’s disposition. Contempt consists of ‘looking down’ at others or viewing them as inferior, and its goal is to derogate and exclude them. Disgust is evoked when people appraise others as immoral or undesirable, and the goal of disgust is to avoid or distance oneself from them.

Group's Disposition

When people feel hate, however, the targets are not just perceived as inferior, immoral or undesirable, although they might be perceived as all of these. There is something else, something about them that motivates an especially strong reaction, to the point of wanting to eliminate them physically or symbolically (such as by eliminating a group’s symbols, in the case of intergroup hate), rather than only excluding or avoiding them.

A Stronger Reaction

So, what is it that people find so threatening about the targets of their hate? In a set of studies currently under review, we tested whether hate was triggered to a higher degree by threats to people’s resources and goals or by threats to their values and worldviews. We found that participants expressed significantly more hate toward individuals endorsing views that were opposite to their own on issues such as abortion, the legalisation of drugs, or same-sex marriage than toward individuals who blocked their goals and caused them to lose a reward.

The Hate's Targets

This could indicate that at least part of what people find particularly aversive about their hate targets is the perception that those individuals or groups endorse the opposite of what they believe is fair, noble and right, or their idea of what is a good life or a good society.These beliefs are part and parcel of people’s identities, which adds an extra, threatening ingredient. People can dislike aspects of a person, or get temporarily angry at their behaviours, but hate seems to be related to fundamental and non-negotiable disagreements in core moral beliefs.

Moral Beliefs

While these disagreements could be present to some degree when people feel emotions such as contempt and disgust (helping to explain their closeness to hate), when people feel hate, these moral differences might be taken as personal threats, based on the importance of people’s values and beliefs to their sense of who they are. This could fuel a heightened emotional experience and prepare individuals for attacking rather than avoiding their targets.Having a clear idea of what hate means and what its dynamics are is essential for identifying and responding to it.

Moral Differences

For instance, political ideologies that capitalise on identity threats, or on the supposedly evil character of certain groups, might be instilling much more than anger among followers – sowing the seeds for long-term aggression and fostering social division. Policymakers who are conscious of this might make stronger efforts to combat the spread of hate-triggering narratives and raise awareness among citizens.

Policymakers's Efforts

A clearer conceptualisation of hate might also, by extension, contribute to a better understanding of related concepts such as hate speech or hate crime, providing tools for legal actions or anti-hate initiatives. There is much more to learn about this strong negative emotion, but we are developing a better sense of what, in fact, it means to feel hate.------Cristhian A Martínezis a PhD candidate at the department of Experimental and Applied Psychology at Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam. His research focuses on understanding how people respond to transgressions insocial and political spheres.

Cristhian A Martínezis 

How does hating someone compare with anger, contempt or disgust? A clearer picture of what makes it unique is emerging

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

parenting

Parenting

communication

Communication

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

artsandculture

Society, Arts & Culture

What makes hate a unique emotion – and why that matters | Psyche Ideas

Love at first sight: Is it possible? Do people really meet and in moments simply know they're meant to be? New evidence suggests: Yes, they do.The idea is wonderfully romantic: Two strangers see each other "across a crowded room," there's an instant attraction, an electric spark, and suddenly they've found their match and never look back. In a world where dating often requires a lot of work—that comes with disappointment, rejection, and uncertainty—falling in love at first sight has strong appeal.We look at some findings from a recent study on love at first sight.

Love At First Sight

People really do report experiencing love at first sight in the instant they encounter a person. It's a strong initial attraction that would later become a relationship. One compelling counter-argument—that people have biased memories and essentially create the illusion of having fallen for each other instantly—isn't an appropriate explanation for all cases of love at first sight.

Love at First Sight Isn't Just Biased Memory

In this study, strangers were more likely to report experiencing love at first sight with physically attractive others; in fact, one rating higher in <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/beauty">attractiveness</a> on the scale that the researchers used corresponded with a nine times greater likelihood that others would report that electric love-at-first-sight feeling.

You're More Likely to Feel Love at First Sight with Beautiful People

The researchers aren't sure why this happens, but it begs more investigation. Might women be less inclined to this experience because they are more selective in whom they might date, as other research has shown? Men might, for example, report this experience with multiple potential partners. But whether this translates into relationships is another question.

Men Report Love at First Sight More than Women

A comparison of participant reports of love at first sight showed that it's typically a one-sided phenomenon; this suggests that shared instant love isn't very common. The researchers suspect, however, that one partner's intense initial experience could help shape the other person's recollection, shifting it toward a belief that he or she also experienced love at first sight.

Love at first sight isn't usually mutual

The kind of qualities that are known to reflect love—<a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/relationships">intimacy</a>, commitment, passion—are not particularly strong in those first moments when people say they've fallen in love at first sight. At least, these emotions are not experienced to the same degree as they are by people in established relationships. The love-at-first-sight experience appears open to these emotions to a greater extent than first meetings where love at first sight is not reported.

Love at First Sight Isn't Really "Love"

Science favors the romantics. Love at first sight actually is experienced by people, but it's not so much "love" or "passion," Instead, it's a strong pull or attraction that makes someone particularly open to the possibilities of a relationship. Love at first sight can happen multiple times, and maybe the instances where it fizzles or simply never translates into a relationship are forgotten. But when love at first sight does launch a sustained relationship, the story is a great one.

The Bottom Line

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

Is Love at First Sight Real?

When you're having anxiety and stress always remember to remain calm and patient, do not let fear control your emotions and actions, the more you observe your health while being collected the easier it gets to know how to maintain it.

Anxiety and Stress

Your goal in life is to be more Patient than you were yesterday, always cool down your temper, because when you make decisions while angry or excited, you will remember what was their motive later.

Patience 

Stay away from anything that makes you unconscious about your surroundings, Alcohol, weed and drugs are only ways of escaping the inevitable, provided you didn't hurt yourself doing them that is.

Conciousness

We always try to learn the safe way, we don't only learn from our own mistakes, others went through ,whatever we are going through right now, we should take tips.

Observation

You know what they say: "if you wanna go fast, go alone, but if you wanna go far, go together".Seek friendships that go with you the long way.

TEAM PLAY

I've learned these at a young age, and always shared them with my friends, it helped many of them including myself grow mentally and lose the void within.

What's the source of Anxiety

1. Speak with integrity.2. Say only what you mean.3. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.4. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

The 1st Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word 

Be careful about your Word i.e. your inner dialogue. They may be invisible, but they are seeds that will take root and grow into your life.

• What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.• You start to get depressed and unhappy because you start to believe those negative things about yourself.• When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.• Once you stop taking things personally, you will be much happier.

The 2nd Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally

"You never responsible for actions of others, whatever happens around you don't take it personally.. nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”

• We often jump to conclusions and make assumptions that are wildly wrong. When you have trouble understanding something, you assume you know what it means. When things become clear, you can see that it means something else entirely.• Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. • Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.

The 3rd Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions

• When you always do your best, taking action because you love it, not because you're expecting a reward.• then you really enjoying life. You are having fun, you don't get bored, you don't have frustrations.• If you truly commit yourself, you will find that there is absolutely no reason for you to judge yourself, and you will eliminate the feelings of guilt and blame from your life. Plus, you will be a lot more productive!

The 4th Agreement: Always Do Your Best

1. Start noticing the beliefs you have, which are based on fear and make you unhappy. 2. Learn to forgive the people who hurt you, most of all yourself.3. Remember that each day could be your last to stay in the present.

three ways to break old agreements

In The Four Agreements, bestselling author don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love. • A New York Times bestseller for over a decade • Translated into 46 languages worldwide “This book by don Miguel Ruiz, simple yet so powerful, has made a tremendous difference in how I think and act in every encounter.” — Oprah Winfrey “Don Miguel Ruiz’s book is a roadmap to enlightenment and freedom.” — Deepak Chopra, Author, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success “An inspiring book with many great lessons.” — Wayne Dyer, Author, Real Magic “In the tradition of Castaneda, Ruiz distills essential Toltec wisdom, expressing with clarity and impeccability what it means for men and women to live as peaceful warriors in the modern world.” — Dan Millman, Author, Way of the Peaceful Warrior

mentalhealth

Mental Health

problemsolving

Problem Solving

In The Four Agreements, bestselling author don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love. •  A New York Times bestseller for over a decade •  Translated into 50 languages worldwide   “This book by don Miguel Ruiz, simple yet so powerful, has made a tremendous difference in how I think and act in every encounter.” — Oprah Winfrey “Don Miguel Ruiz’s book is a roadmap to enlightenment and freedom.” — Deepak Chopra, Author, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success “An inspiring book with many great lessons.” — Wayne Dyer, Author, Real Magic “In the tradition of Castaneda, Ruiz distills essential Toltec wisdom, expressing with clarity and impeccability what it means for men and women to live as peaceful warriors in the modern world.” — Dan Millman, Author, Way of the Peaceful Warrior

Don Miguel Ruiz is an accomplished writer whose work has resonated with readers around the world. Don Miguel Ruiz has published several books that explore a range of topics, from fiction to nonfiction, and has received critical acclaim for the ability to weave compelling narratives. Don Miguel Ruiz's writing style is known for its depth and authenticity, and has earned quite a loyal following of readers.

Don Miguel Ruiz

Janet Mills is an accomplished writer whose work has resonated with readers around the world. Janet Mills has published several books that explore a range of topics, from fiction to nonfiction, and has received critical acclaim for the ability to weave compelling narratives. Janet Mills's writing style is known for its depth and authenticity, and has earned quite a loyal following of readers.

Janet Mills

The Four Agreements

There is no magic, one-size-fits all answer for building a happier, healthier, more productive life.

Most of us aren’t ready for all the expectations the world piles onto us, let alone the internal ones we have of ourselves that add to the pressure.And yet, somehow we deal with them. We learn, we struggle and over time, hopefully we get better. Of course we develop much of our approach to dealing with our internal and life’s external expectations subconsciously. Identifying the approach you’ve shaped so far is what The Four Tendencies are for.

Learning To Live While We Live

The Four Tendencies is a personality profile framework to help you understand how you and the people around you deal with their outer and inner expectations, so you can better manage your life, work and relationships.Understanding the four tendencies has three primary benefits:1. Self-mastery in getting yourself to do things.2. Influencing others to do things.3. Understanding why others do or don’t do things, which reduces frustration and increases harmony.

The Four Tendencies: The Premise

Upholders meet inner and outer expectations. They love rules, having a clear plan and are self-motivated and disciplined.  Questioners meet their own expectations, but resist outer ones. They need to see purpose and reason in anything they do.  Obligers meet other peoples’ expectations easily, but struggle with their own. The must be held accountable by a friend, coach or boss to get things done. Rebels defy both outer and inner expectations. Above all, they want to be free to choose and express their own individuality.

Upholders, Questioners, Obligers and Rebels

The largest group are Obligers. In theory, that’s not a problem, because it’s fairly easy for Obligers to make good use of their tendency. As long as they set up a good accountability system, they can be consistent and reach their goals.Obligers often face the biggest inner struggle, because they always put everyone else before themselves.  This can culminate in self-sabotage through little acts of defiance that end up hurting themselves more than anyone else, for example failing a test on purpose, just to prove a point.

Obligers: The Biggest and Hardest Group to Be In

An Upholder is someone who gets things done efficiently and makes time for themselves as well. An Upholders responds well to both other people’s expectations and their own personal ones so they’re very reliable at work and get all of their tasks done without any trouble.Some upholders can be so obedient that they don’t question what the rules are and follow them without thinking. These people often become snitches because of their need to obey authority. They also tend to resist change, which is why they’re not as successful in life as others who are more critical thinkers.

Upholders: People Who Are Good at Upholding Their Commitments and Responsibilities

Questioners turn all outer expectations into inner expectations if they believe its reasonable and efficient. Thus, Questioners only meet inner expectations.Questioners excel at being logical and efficient in everything they do. But they can also be viewed as annoying for their constant questioning unless they are very socially adept when asking those questions.Some random characteristics of Questioners: They hate waiting in line, they love spreadsheets, and they love sharing articles.

Questioners: The Quest For Logic And Purpose

Questioners have the self-direction of Upholders, the reliability of Obligers, and the authenticity of Rebels.

Rebels want to do what they want to do, in their own way, and on their own time. If someone else tells them to do the exact same thing, they will resist. They don’t even want to tell themselves to do something. They prefer to act from freedom, choice, and self-expression.Rebels might struggle with themselves because conventional advice doesn’t work for them. They are told to set goals and to get outer accountability by all the other tendencies, but those things actually make it harder for Rebels to do things because they feel a lack of freedom.

Rebels: The Misfits

People fit squarely into one of the four tendencies. If you want to get into more detail, then technically, people fit into one of 8 primary-secondary combinations:<ol><li>Upholder-Questioner</li><li>Upholder-Obliger</li><li>Obliger-Upholder</li><li>Obliger-Rebel</li><li>Questioner-Upholder</li><li>Questioner-Rebel</li><li>Rebel-Obliger</li><li>Rebel-Questioner</li></ol>For example, a Questioner-Upholder is more likely to meet outer expectations than a Questioner-Rebel.

The Four Tendencies: Multiple Traits

It’s easy to get carried away with personality types like these, but that’s dangerous. When you chisel your tendency in stone you might accept it, but you’ll also turn it into an excuse and stop believing that you can change.Instead of putting yourself in a box, use this concept to get to know yourself better, identify your strengths and weaknesses, and improve your relationships with others by being mindful of their tendencies.

Don’t Box Yourself in With This Framework, Use It to Understand Your Own Behavior Better

In this groundbreaking analysis of personality type, bestselling author of Better Than Before and The Happiness Project Gretchen Rubin reveals the one simple question that will transform what you do at home, at work, and in life. During her multibook investigation into understanding human nature, Gretchen Rubin realized that by asking the seemingly dry question "How do I respond to expectations?" we gain explosive self-knowledge. She discovered that based on their answer, people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so using this framework allows us to make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively. More than 600,000 people have taken her online quiz, and managers, doctors, teachers, spouses, and parents already use the framework to help people make significant, lasting change. The Four Tendencies hold practical answers if you've ever thought: • People can rely on me, but I can't rely on myself. • How can I help someone to follow good advice? • People say I ask too many questions. • How do I work with someone who refuses to do what I ask—or who keeps telling me what to do? With sharp insight, compelling research, and hilarious examples, The Four Tendencies will help you get happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative. It's far easier to succeed when you know what works for you.

books

Books

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Are you an Upholder, a Questioner, an Obliger, or a Rebel? From the author of Better Than Before and The Happiness Project comes a groundbreaking analysis of personality type that “will immediately improve every area of your life” (Melissa Urban, co-founder of the Whole30).   During her multibook investigation into human nature, Gretchen Rubin realized that by asking the seemingly dry question “How do I respond to expectations?” we gain explosive self-knowledge. She discovered that based on their answer, people fit into Four Tendencies:   • Upholders meet outer and inner expectations readily. “Discipline is my freedom.” • Questioners meet inner expectations, but meet outer expectations only if they make sense. “If you convince me why, I’ll comply.” • Obligers (the largest Tendency) meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations—therefore, they need outer accountability to meet inner expectations. “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me.” • Rebels (the smallest group) resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. They do what they choose to do, when they choose to do it, and typically they don’t tell themselves what to do. “You can’t make me, and neither can I.”   Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so using this framework allows us to make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively. It’s far easier to succeed when you know what works for you.   With sharp insight, compelling research, and hilarious examples, The Four Tendencies will help you get happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative.

Gretchen Rubin

The Four Tendencies

I turned 50 this year. While I’m pretty happy with my life, I wish I had made different choices, both in my personal and professional life. If I could hold on to the knowledge I’ve learned and do it over again, I would have made different choices.Here are some of things I would change:

Background

By the time I turned 50, my bad eating habits were a daily part of my life. It is now hard as hell now to lose weight. My body holds on to that extra padding for dear life.I wish I had gotten serious about changing my eating habits and exercising. If you’re in your 30s and think it’s difficult to change your bad habits, it’s a thousand times harder at 50. I’ve had more years to get into the habit of eating what I want, and most of my food choices aren’t good ones.

1. Developed better eating habits.

Remember when you were little and you had your little gaggle of girlfriends? Me neither. I always had a few close friends and continued this trend into adulthood. But here’s the thing.Once you get into your 40s and 50s, if you don’t have any close friends, you may never have them. I’m finding this out the hard way. I haven’t had a close girlfriend in years, and it makes me sad.I guess I could meet people online, but why? Why aren’t there normal places to make friends? I miss the days when your friend sat next to you in homeroom and you hung out after school.

2. Made more female friends.

I’ll admit it. I shouldn’t have married my first husband. I was approaching 40 and I thought it was time to get married. So I did, and it was a mistake.I also should have married younger. I really didn’t get out there and date like I should have. Then I could have found someone I loved who shared my same values.

3. Married younger.

The weird thing about turning 50 is you start noticing more high school classmates dying.More people my age are seriously ill because of years of drinking, smoking and eating badly.I’m trying to do better, but I wish I had taken my health more seriously when I was younger. It’s hard to change my behaviour now, but I’m trying. Turning 50 is not the time to start thinking about your mental and physical health. Yet here I am, and I just have to do it.

4. Taken better care of myself.

I rarely thought about my own mortality until this year. Women in my family tend to live into their 90s, so I took for granted I would have a long life. Then I realized these women took better of themselves than I do. Who knows how many years I’ve shaved off these good genes I inherited with my poor choices?

I graduated college at 21 and started working. My jobs were fine, but if I had to do it over again, I would have taken more chances with my career.I probably would have gone into broadcast journalism, or worked harder to be a professional singer. I would have done something other than go to a 9-to-5 that didn’t challenge or interest me.I’m grateful that I am financially stable, but having a career that interests me would have made me much happier. I’ve played it safe instead of running the risk that I don’t excel at something. I’ve started writing, though, and that does challenge me.

5. Gotten out of my career comfort zone.

I put off traveling and didn’t go outside the country until I was 36. I wish I had had more adventures. I’ve probably traveled more than most Americans — because Americans don’t travel much — but I should have started in my 20s when I originally thought about it.I should have taken a semester abroad in college. Now I’m trying to travel abroad regularly. I’m coming up on two years since I went hiking in Spain, and it’s time to plan another adventure.

6. Started travelling when I was younger

I spent years bending over backwards to please guys I was dating, and I did it to the point where embarrassed myself.While I tried to change who I was to keep the relationship going, I lost myself along the way. And I took way too much time finding who I was again. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve contorted my personality to be more compatible in relationships my entire life.

7. Stayed true to myself in relationships.

This goes along with trying too hard to please guys. For most of my adult life, I worried about whether people liked me. I would change who I was to fit the situation. I was a classic people pleaser, and I did it to the point where I no longer recognized myself.How exhausting to hide who I was that way, but I did it to make and keep relationships. Now I don’t care. I don’t lose any sleep over it because these people hold no importance in my day-to-day life.

8. Stopped caring about what other people thought of me.

I’ve always been smart, but somewhere along the line, I stopped taking chances. I doubted myself, and it held me back.I grew up in the ’70s and ’80s, and while I looked good on paper, I constantly second-guessed myself. Can I really do this? Am I good enough?Part of this was internal, but part of it was also how others treated me. My blackness made them doubt me, and I felt invisible at times. I suffered the sting of being treated differently than white people and feeling helpless. It did a number on my self-confidence.

9. Believed in myself more.

I’m an introvert with extrovert tendencies, meaning I can socialize with people, but I also need time alone. I’m more introverted, so I enjoy solitude and time alone.I wish I had known this was normal instead of feeling like something was wrong with me. I didn’t come to this realization until I was in my mid-30s and met other people who were like me.

10. Spent more time getting to know myself.

It is important to note down the lessons and life advice from elders, as they have had the experiences that we are yet to have. I found this person's insight really interesting and a way to inform my future choices.

While I’m pretty happy with my life now that I'm "middle age," I do wish I had made different choices, both in my personal and professional lives.

10 Things I Wish I Had Done Before I Entered ‘Middle Age’

People often inflict damage on their souls, their relationships, jobs and the people closest to them in a fit of rage. For some, anger is as manageable as going quiet while for others it could be the most disastrous thing in the whole wide world.This is not to say that we can completely eliminate the feeling of anger from our lives. As humans, it is one of the many emotions we experience. However, considering the damage your fit of rage could do, it is important that you learn how to control your anger!

Feeling The Angry Emotion?

And like always, the Quran and The Prophet (peace be upon him) advises us about it. A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) and said, “Counsel me,” so he (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said, “Do not become angry.” ...see below

Counsel From Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)

...The man repeated his request for counsel several times, and every time he (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said, “Do not become angry.”[Source: Al-Bukhari]This hadith clearly signifies the importance of controlling ones anger. However, that’s not it. There are multiple instructions in the Sunnah and Allah’s word which teach us how to achieve this.

Make plenty of Dua that Allah helps you overcome your anger.There is a beautiful Dua by the Prophet (pbuh) which reads... ...see below

Pray To Allah

“O Allah, by Your knowledge of the unseen and Your power over creation, keep me alive so long as You know that living is good for me. And cause me to die when You know that death is better for me. O Allah, cause me to fear You in secret and in public. I ask You to make me true in speech in times of pleasure and of anger. I ask You to make me moderate in times of wealth and poverty. And I ask You for everlasting delight and joy that will never cease...

...I ask You to make me pleased with that which You have decreed and for an easy life after death. I ask You for the sweetness of looking upon Your face and longing to meet You in a manner that does not entail a calamity that will bring about harm or a trial that will cause deviation. O Allah, beautify us with the adornment of faith and make us among those who guide and are upon the right path.”

Anger is from Shaitan so who can break it better than Allah, the Exalted. The Prophet (pbuh) advised us to recite “A’udhu billahi minash-Shaitan nir-rajim” every time we feel our blood boiling. This translates to “I seek refuge with Allah from Satan, the accursed.”

How To Overcome Anger

If you feel anger while you are standing, sit down. If you feel anger while sitting, lie down.

Change positions

While we are angry, we are tempted to say so much. But a word to the wise. If you give in to this temptation, you will live to regret it and the damage you will cause will not be easy to mend. As Muslims, we are advised to speak good or remain silent.

Silence 🤫

Busy yourself in some productive work rather than vent out your anger. If you have nothing to do, make ablution (the act of washing oneself). Deviating your mind helps like magic.

Deviate your mind and perform ablution

The Islamic perspective of feeling rage 😵

So many marriages end up in divorce, so many children wound their parents hearts - all because of this anger, which is truly wicked.

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Religion & Spirituality

mindfulness

Mindfulness

5 Quranic Tips to Control Your Anger

Where would our conversations at work, networking events, or elsewhere be without small talk?Small talk inspires much more than trivial babble, often setting in motion some of our most-valued relationships.We often overlook the importance of this deeply rooted yet habitual part of our social fabric. Small talk allows us to tap into relationship dimensions of power, solidarity, formality, and function using what linguists call topic management to lead conversations toward intended outcomes, like business or networking pitches.

Creating Conversations Is how We Create Relationships

Everyone can forge mind-to-mind connections through creative, lesser-known small talk strategies and techniques from the field of linguistics to create more meaningful "small talk" that leads to rewarding "big talk."Stories can be lightning rods that supercharge our conversations, actively "syncing up" our minds so that we're not just sharing meaning with each other but human experience itself.In a world of constant connectedness, envision small talk as a spectrum where you can navigate your social and career prospects toward success

The Science of Small Talk

Ever feel like you know someone after exchanging just a few words? There’s a lot behind that phenomenon, from speech rhythms to body language and even breathing.


The secret science behind the power of small talk

To begin with, it’s not just a feeling. The feeling of happiness is like the smell of the turkey at your Thanksgiving dinner—it’s not the dinner itself. Happiness is a set of elements; it’s made up of enjoyment, satisfaction, and purpose. And we can control all those things—not perfectly, but a lot more than we typically think. The truth is that happiness does not have to be left up to chance, and we can get happier as we get older. Each of us can be happier at 75 than we were at 25.

Happiness Is Not Just up To Chance

After about age 70, there are two groups of people in the population—one group gets happier and happier as they age, and the other group gets less and less happy. It’s about 50/50 if you look at the data.Now, most people think that to be on the upper branch, to get happier as you get older, you have to be one of the successful people—the people who do a lot with their lives, who see a lot of worldly success—because then you can dine out on your success and be happy.

More Happy And Less Happy

The striver's curse is that the people on the lower branch, the people who tend to get unhappier as they age, tend to be the ones who experienced a lot more success earlier in their lives. And it kind of makes sense—what goes up must come down. If you don’t do anything with your life, you won’t know when it’s over. But if you do a lot with your life and the party ends, you’re going to notice the difference. That contrast is really hard to take.

The Striver’s Curse

Early in life, we have a lot of what psychologists call “fluid intelligence.” That increases through your 20s and 30s—it increases faster if you work harder on it—but it decreases in your 40s and 50s. Fluid intelligence is your ability to work hard with focus and solve problems, your analytic capacity, what makes you a superstar—the hot lawyer, the good surgeon, maybe the incredibly inventive and intelligent electrician. In almost every job, fluid intelligence early on in your life makes you good at what you do, but it decreases as you age.

Understanding Fluid Intelligence

Crystallized Intelligence increases through your 40s and 50s. It stays high through your 60s and 70s, and even beyond. Crystallized intelligence is not all about working hard and focusing—it’s about wisdom and passing on knowledge. You get wiser as you get older, which means you know a lot, and you know how to use the information. It also means you’re a much better teacher—the best teachers are older people. So early on, you have fluid intelligence, and later on, you have crystallized intelligence. The trick is to go from fluid to crystallized, to go from innovator to instructor.

Crystallized Intelligence

One of the things that all happy older people have in common is that they don’t just know how to add things to their lives; they also know how to subtract things from their lives. Early on, life is like a canvas that you’re filling up with paint—creatively, with energy, with enthusiasm, more brush strokes, more pain! And it’s all up to you—what you paint is limited only by your imagination. But after a certain point, that canvas gets pretty full.To be happy as you get older, remember: don’t just add, subtract.

Don’t Add without Subtracting

One of the most interesting things in the neuroscience and social science of happiness is that happiness is based on love. Love is the nuclear fuel of happiness, and if you don’t have a lot of love in your life, you can’t get happier as you get older.And that means you need to work on the love in your life. You need to cultivate your relationships, whether they’re your friendships, family relationships, or marriage. You’ve got to see them get better as you get older so that you can get happier as you get older.

Happiness Is Based on Love

Maybe you’re a striver and successful, but you’re kind of lonely in your relationships. Well, successful people usually have a lot of people around them. They have a lot of “deal” friends. How many real friends do you have? Go from deal to real, and watch yourself get happier.

When We Get Successful, We Make A Lot Of 'Deal' Friends

How to find success, happiness, and purpose as you grow

We can all agree that, on balance, and taking everything into account, love is a wonderful thing. For many, it is the point of life. It infiltrates every fibre of our being and every aspect of our daily lives. It is the most important factor in our mental and physical health, our longevity and our life satisfaction. And regardless of who the object of our love is – lover or friend, dog or god – these effects are largely underpinned, in the first instance, by the set of addictive neurochemicals supporting the bonds we create: oxytocin, dopamine, beta-endorphin and serotonin.

Love Is The Drug

Love is both a wonderful thing and a cunning evolutionary trick to control us. A dangerous cocktail in the wrong hands. 

Love is both a wonderful thing and a cunning evolutionary trick to control us. A dangerous cocktail in the wrong hands

Tainted Love: Why Love Is Trick *And* Treat

Find 100+ Facts about Love & Relationships - Curated from trusted sources like  Books, Podcasts & Articles - Genuine Insights from like-minded Users like You!

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Read like a Pro.

What makes hate a unique emotion – and why that matters | Psyche Ideas

Is Love at First Sight Real?

What's the source of Anxiety

The Four Agreements

The Four Tendencies

10 Things I Wish I Had Done Before I Entered ‘Middle Age’

5 Quranic Tips to Control Your Anger

The secret science behind the power of small talk

How to find success, happiness, and purpose as you grow

Tainted Love: Why Love Is Trick *And* Treat

It's time to Read like a Pro.

Tainted Love: Why Love Is Trick And Treat

It's time to
Read like a Pro.